I know kids, and I’m not enamored of them like some adults claim they are. Kids are loud, obnoxious and selfish, as the kid persona dictates they be. I don’t like that part, and you don’t have to either. However, respecting the human being inside the kid is an entirely different matter. That, you need to do and it’s easy — there is something innately beautiful behind a child’s eyes, and I’m a sucker for it every time. They always know it, too. It’s like they got some kind of strange radar zeroing in on me. It’s a good spooky. Like the time at the mini-mall.
My brother and sister-in-law and I were there to browse and visit the boutiques. They wanted to go into a store that didn’t interest me, so I parked myself down on a bench in the walkway to wait for them. The bench sat parallel to the stores, so I could easily keep an eye on their whereabouts and hook up with them again when they were finished.
I had been feeling particularly frazzled and distracted the last few days. My job was a high-profile one in government, and the demands on my time had begun taking their toll. On call twenty-four hours a day, I had found myself with little time to sit and think, or to reflect upon my surroundings. Although I had been looking forward to my family’s visit and was enjoying our time together, my mind was still back at the office, whirling with tasks left undone from last week and tasks coming up that were critical to the office. I couldn’t wait to get back there and tend to my duties.
With my thoughts meandering into the best way to approach my latest project, I put my mind back onto the details of my work. But without warning, I suddenly turned my head swiftly to the right. Startled, all I saw down the walkway was a young couple with a baby in a stroller.
The man and woman were just another couple, and the kid was just another kid. Getting too many of them in the world, I would be quick to tell you. (Remember, I’m not fond of the kid part of kids.) But I looked at the baby in the stroller as if I really had to see.
The kid was a boy, and looked about a year old. Sitting straight up and looking ahead, not wiggling in his seat, or fussing. Just calm and composed, as if he were floating, instead of being pushed. His face and his eyes locked into mine.
That’s what the human beings inside kids do.They crawl behind your eyeballs to see who you really are. After a few seconds, the kids are usually satisfied and look away. Most of the time, they smile before they do. But not this little fella, no siree.
He stayed locked into my eyes, all the while getting pushed closer and closer to me. I think, “This is peculiar!” but I get into it and so I just sat still and let him look.
The stroller was now passing in front of me. The parents were unaware that he and I were looking deeply at each other, and so I smile, to tell him I see him. He does not return my smile. Even when he was pushed past me. While the stroller moved further down the pathway and away from the bench, the little boy bent over the side of the stroller, still drawing me into his eyes, still watching me. I expected him to be forced to turn away. But does he? Nuh uh. He just keeps his head towards me with eyes locked in, still staring while moving away.
Usually, I look away right about now. A person like myself has other things to do than stare back at a small child. There are great thoughts to think, errands to run, and all the other things busy adults take care of in their lives.
Not this time.
This time, there was something that was different. I didn’t want to look away. I would not have turned away for anything. It was this small boy himself. I wasn’t simply staring into a small child’s eyes. I was drawn in, like a bee to honey. Only the sensation wasn’t sticky…it was cool and soothing. Calming. I bent my head down to make it easier on the small boy to look into my eyes. There we were, two heads bowed down and turned towards each other, he and I, oblivious to everything and everybody else.
With this intense staring, the tense muscles in my neck and shoulders started to unclench and relax. Small sounds of laughter in the background somewhere tickled my brain and I felt good inside.Tidbits of animated, excited conversations crawled onto the edge of my consciousness and I was glad that good people still existed and in some places, all was right with the world.
The image of the stack of papers on my desk at work suddenly seemed to have shrunk to a manageable size, and faded out of my mind. Thoughts of a special dinner I could prepare for my family tonight to show how much I was enjoying their visit danced through my head.
Slowly, the small boy unlocked his gaze from me, lifted his head and and turned away. Once again, he was sitting straight up, gazing straight ahead, but this time, away from me.
I lifted my head up too then, quite aware that something extraordinary had just happened to me, but not being able to say what it was, exactly. But my body felt it fully. A well-being shiver floated through me from the top of my mind to the tip of my toes, all in one flat second. I had never felt so beautiful or peaceful in my whole life, as I had at that moment.
My brother and sister-in-law came out of the store and I got up from the bench to join them. They were excited about showing me their purchases, and I was excited to let them. All thoughts of my job had been set aside. Instead, I was noticing the great smile my brother had, and the sparkle in my sister-in-law’s eyes. I knew what I was going to fix for dinner, and that I would take the time to tell them how much both of them meant to me.
I didn’t tell them about the boy. It seemed too special to share. When that small boy looked at my face and he didn’t want to leave my eyes, he gifted me with grace that touched my soul. His child’s innocence and complete trust in life had seemed to instinctively know that I needed to be redirected. That moment slid into my brain and hugged my frazzled thoughts and focused them towards things that truly matter in life: people, and time to spend with them.
As we left the store, I turned to look at the disappearing stroller and smiled.
Kids. They sure can surprise you, especially when you’re lookin’.
St. John Journals 