And here I was, thinking that the cells in my body belonged only to me, just like the cells in men’s bodies belong only to them.  I’m so silly.  I guess I forgot because I am female, my cells can’t belong to me. I’m too dangerous or ill-equipped mentally to know what to do with my internal organs.  And I must confess, I rarely give my internal organs a thought.  My gawd, I cannot tell you when the last time was I thought to ponder my spleen, for example.

I must not make this mistake again.  I must remember, always, that any male who wants any of my cells is most definitely entitled to them, including the males with bad breath, bigotry and a preference for Taco Bell, in the General Assembly.  I must allow these same males who want to make laws against my owning my own cells, to do so.  After all, as noted, I am just a female and the males can do this because they don’t have these cells and they surely do want some for their own.

I can’t for the life of me, though, remember selling rights to my body cells.  Surely, they just didn’t feel entitled to them?!  I wonder if I was drunk and they took advantage of me?   Course, I blush…that would be my fault, too.  Because there they were, already going the extra mile to save me from myself by not allowing me to buy a bottle of that delightful red table wine at the grocers on Sundays.  Praise the Lord and protect my neighbors from my heathen French ways. I digress.

Perhaps the males in the General Assembly are just lonesome with lots of love to give.  They want we females to be surrogates for their children, for whom they will welcome each and every one into the world with great love, respect and financial security.  It could be that the males in the General Assembly are just saintly generous.  I never thought of that and the idea makes me feel so very warm and fuzzy.

Yes, it’s true that fellow female brain cells invented the computer, the laser printer and penicillin, to list a few…but no doubt that was just pure dumb luck.  Ergo, I cannot help but wonder with this feeble female mind of mine who keeps forgetting about her gall bladder cells, for instance…do other parts go with that sale?  Are those males in the General Assembly going to harvest say, some kidney cells while they are at this legislative business?  Will this open up a can of cell worms? Will a General Assembly male with a foot fetish want control over whether I bare my feet cells or not?  We know how obsessed the culture is with the chests of females…will these same males in the General Assembly rule that breast cells have to be shown whenever they want (except for nursing, which incidentally is why they are larger than theirs in the first place)?  Same for my behind…my neck…my ears.  Will legislative bill by legislative bill, erode ownership of ALL my body cells from me?

Assuming I did sell these particular cells – for surely I would keep my wits about me and not give something so coveted like ANY of my body cells away – I wonder how much I got for my cells? Dang it all, but in my most forgetful state, I can’t find any bank account number with millions in it.  I am sure it is a banking error that my current accounts show absolutely no increase.

A few General Assembly females protested loudly (good for them), but of course, they were females and I am certain their voices were squeaky or in whispers, for why else would their male counterparts not listen to them and respect their firsthand opinions?  Oops…I said the forbidden word:  opinions.  We aren’t supposed to have any, being feeble minded and all.  Another thing I forgot.  I see a pattern here, and I am embarrassed.  I just can’t seem to stop thinking!  So sorry.  So very sorry.

In spite of all the good will and taking care of my mental feebleness these males in the General Assembly are exhibiting towards me, I find I am a bit ungrateful.  Rebellious, even, if I dare proclaim anything above a whisper.  For I most certainly do not want any one of these males in my legislative bed any more.  It’s me…not them.  I just can’t handle their wisdom and their generous guidance any more.  I prefer to be wild…reckless…disrespectful…downright sassy…and take care of my cells myself.  Color me difficult.

Unless, of course…these males with bad hair and split cuticles in the General Assembly want to make a trade?  Reproductive cells for reproductive cells.  Show me yours, I’ll show you mine, sort of thing.  Control mine, I’ll control yours.  Give and take.

Hello?  Hello?

Mr. General Assembly Male…are you still there?

Hello?